Nobody gets you it shouts,
You’re so alone it screams,
No one cares to listen, with a cruel laugh it yells.
The echoes linger till the sound hurts
The positivity in me protests.
It fights to suffice
To be heard and to conquer
Most times the efforts go down the drain
It chokes until it becomes a memory of what was,
Big lump in my throat,
Fighting back countless pools of tears,
I swallow it up and force a smile,
My critical inner voice gets loud.
It draws it’s strength from my pain.
I think of it as a sadist.
Slowly, I can feel the joy,
Everything I believe in,
It oozes out of me,
My critical inner voice,
Will you be the death of me?
The four letter word that has unending definitions. Often defined by the dynamic feelings of man, by the different circumstances he finds himself in. They say life is full of ups and downs, but you can choose what to do with yourself during that high or that low. Life is what you make it. It is true that sometimes we don’t get to choose what happens to us, fate. It is what we choose to do with ourselves afterwards that counts. After it all goes down, you can choose to dust yourself up and move forward. Sure, life is many things but you are the co-writer in your own, you also get to decide how you wanna tell it, you decide how you want to live it.
Decide how you wanna be remembered, after all of this has been taken away from you.
On your death bed…Are you going to be that person who is happy to die because they know they lived a full life? They shot every arrow up to the last one in their quiver. They have lived, laughed and loved and did all there was to do. They have made mistakes but most importantly, they learned from their mistakes. They have spread their wings and they know how it is like to be up there. They know they can confidently stand before the Master and say,”here, the coin you gave me has multiplied. ”
Or, are you going to be the one that shot a few arrows and somehow lost it along the way? The one that got afraid of stepping out because they were unsure of what’s waiting for them out there. The one was so cautious not to make mistakes because their fear of the consequences was greater. They knew they had to spread their wings but they were told to be realistic because their dreams were ridiculously big. The one that could say they lived but just not fully. They labelled their choices as ‘safe choices’.
Maybe you might be the one that never realized they had so much more inside of them. The one that blames it on life being unfair. They found themselves cruising on the ship of anxiety and depression. They were made to believe they were helpless. They never knew they had wings to unclip. They really dont care whether they live or die because to them, it is just the same.
It’s funny how years go by, we celebrate every birthday but don’t get to feel the difference of another year added to our lives. The truth is change occurs, but it’s latent and we don’t get to realize it instantaneously. You just wake up one day with a thing or two on your mind, that which you used to do but grew out of it without you even realizing it.
I used to chat a lot with people on social media. I’d reply to random messages from strangers. As i got older, chatting became a task i was unwilling to perform. Small talk doesn’t interest me anymore, in fact it annoys the heck out of me. It’s like i just withdrew into my own shell. It can be difficult sometimes. Change is never easy to confront or embrace but we just have to take it as it is. In my case, the shift wasn’t easy on my peers. They felt ignored, left out. The change here appeared to be negative but in reality, the change was just me growing up to become who I am and maybe in five years I’ll look back and realize that I changed. There’s certainly no need to fret over that.
We often try to accomplish with violence, what we can easily do with kindness.
There is a story of the wind and the sun, debating on who would be first to make a man sitting on a bench remove his coat. The wind stormed, howled, tugged and pulled but the man clung to his coat all the more. The sun shone down on him in a friendly and comforting way. The man enjoyed the warmth and gratefully took off his coat.
If I were to ask you who you are as a man could you tell me without giving me your name, occupation or any of the obvious means we use to identify ourselves? If I were to simply say,”tell me who you are,” what would you say?
Not that all these details don’t matter. They are valid and important identifiers but beyond that, who are you?
It wasn’t until I turned 18 when i started having regular headaches. Every week i knew I’d be down with one. It was nothing some painkillers and a strong cup of coffee couldn’t fix.
Somehow it worsened, by the time I turned 20, i was experiencing a specific type of headache. A throbbing pain in the right side of my head. The pain worsened with movement. My eyes were failing me too. The world seemed too bright for them. I would wake up with this kind of pain multiple times a month. Sometimes I would feel the pain in my sleep at 2 a.m
Ibuprofen was my way out, most times it managed to save me. I knew i had to see a doctor but i have this thing with hospitals, they creep me out. I managed to dodge for a full year. Eventually I gave in, the doctor diagnosed me with migraine headaches , she also advised me to have a full blood count test done with the hope that she could detect what was causing the headaches which I never went for. She prescribed migril. I’ve been taking it everytime i get an attack. I still can’t figure out what triggers them, sometimes I think it’s deviating from my sleeping schedule but i also doubt that.
The medication does stop a migraine as it starts but it gives me another illness. Upset stomach, weakness in my legs and arms and muscle ache which are some of it’s side effects.
Sometimes it really gets the better of me. The pain is just too great to handle. I still wear specs when i’m outside. The light is too bright for my eyes to handle and they get strained too easily.
Does anybody else have such heightened self consciousness that they are watchful of every single thing they do or say? Like you get so fully aware of every gesture you make, every word you say and how you pronounce it. You suddenly begin to sort of like dislike the way you speak and hear a whispering voice at the back of your head telling you to tone it down a bit.
You wanna know what actually sucks? It’s the fact that it contradicts what i believe in. I believe that we ought to let our lights shine extremely bright. I believe that we shouldn’t be afraid that our lights are too bright for the next person. We shouldn’t be toning down or dimming those lights. We gotta let those little lanterns shine!
I’m dimming my own light. My self consciousness can’t have it too bright. It’s causing me to be very self judgemental.
It’s like i’m fighting against myself and that kind of war has no winner.
The painting tells the story of when the Truth and the lie met on a summery day. The Lie said to the Truth: “it’s a marvellous day today”! The Truth looked up to the skies and sighed, for the day was really beautiful. They spent a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie said to the Truth: “The water is very nice , let’s take a bath together! ” The truth once again suspicious, tested the water and discovered that it indeed was very nice. They undressed and started bathing. Suddenly, the Lie came out of the water, put on the clothes of the Truth and ran away. The furious Truth came out of the well and ran everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The world, seeing the Truth naked, turned it’s gaze away, with contempt and rage. The poor Truth returned to the well an disappeared forever, hiding therein, its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society because the World in any case, harbours no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.
What kind of man or woman are you growing to become? Are you aiming to develop your character or you’re motivated by self interest? You may perhaps blame other people or your circumstances for what you have become but you cannot escape the responsibility of determining your own character. You’re honest or dishonest, you are sincere or insincere, you live according to the truth or you are a liar. This is how you’ve chosen to become. You may say that your circumstances forced you to be dishonest but the final choice between honesty and dishonesty is yours. Your character is built on the choices you make. We live with it, everyday we have to make decisions . The choice is always between right and wrong. Maybe your understanding of truth fluctuates according to the demands of the present situation. But what should be understood is that truth is eternal. It is the creator and foundation of a strong and decisive character. If your understanding of truth varies with every changing mood and situation you will always hesitate and your character grows weak. There are always two choices in every situation, always make the right choice and base your character on the truth.